eROI Days Email Agency

If you are wanting email marketing or interactive agency best practices, you’re not going to get it in this blog post. As a former prankster in high school and father of two daughters who will be in high school in a decade, I love coming across articles like this school just a couple miles from my house:

KATU.com: Lincoln H.S. parents receive hoax ‘prom night’ letter

“PORTLAND, Ore. - Administrators at Lincoln High School are trying to find out who sent a hoax letter to parents about this Saturday’s senior prom.

The letter is printed on what appears to be Portland Public Schools letterhead and it says students will likely be drinking, doing drugs, and having sex on prom night.

The letter goes on to encourage parents to open their homes for parties so kids don’t drink and drive and even provides instructions on how much alcohol to provide.

District officials say they did not send the letter and that it is an elaborate hoax.

In addition to finding out who wrote and sent the letters, the district wants to know how the pranksters gained access to addresses of parents and guardians of Lincoln students.”

I got an email from one of my good buddies who knows that I’m a huge supporter of my bald brethren. He had this article to share with me - while you read it, make sure to pay attention to the fabulous quotes throughout the article and especially the very end quote to close the article:

“The New Niche: Hair Care for Men Without
By ANNA JANE GROSSMAN
Published: March 8, 2007

THE same week a Los Angeles salon owner was pleading with Britney Spears not to buzz her head, barbers were laying tracks across the scalps of all sorts of men at the Aidan Gill for Men salon in New Orleans.

“We have at least one man coming in for a head shave every day,” Mr. Gill said. “Had Britney come here, we’d have shaved her all the way down. She’d have looked incandescent.” For most of recent grooming history, having a totally bald pate was a look most likely found among men with formidable personalities and names to match — Kojak, Yul, Ike, Warbucks, Clean. It wasn’t a look for John over in accounting.

But in the late 1980s, Michael Jordan shaved it all off. Soon, the world was examining the scalps of Bruce Willis, Andre Agassi, Moby and just about one token character on every TV show — not to mention a swarm of Oscar nominees and presenters this year, including Jack Nicholson (who had shaved his head for a role). The response is a booming market of products being developed and sold specifically to the unhirsute — a new front in the nearly $5 billion onslaught of male grooming products in the United States.”

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We’re in the email world and SPAM is part of the discussion of everyday life. However, we never imagined that SPAM would become a popular ENERGY drink. Whoever thought SPAM would give you energy? Apparently, this Dutch company is energized by the success it has had with this drink. It gives a whole new meaning to SPAM which takes on a lemony, urine color and conjures up in my mind the taste of potable meat. Fascinating.

A co-worker sent me to this site with this subject line. BikerFox: You are Hot. Don’t you agree? Please visit http://www.bikerfox.com/foxphotos2/. According to his site, he was People Magazine’s Sexiest Man of the Year. I think he redefines sexy.

The grandaddy of all database marketers, Amazon.com sent out an email to a good portion of its database with the exact email below, exposing the whole dynamic placeholder verbiage and leaving email recipients utterly confused…

From: Amazon.com [mailto:promo-core@amazon.com]
Sent: Monday, April 03, 2006 10:30 AM
Subject: [placeholder for winning team] Wins the NCAA Tournament!

Congratulations, [placeholder for winning team]! As someone who has purchased sports-related products, we thought you should be the first to see our selection of NCAA championship products.

NCAA Championship Cap

Check out our championship hats, tees, and hooded sweatshirts in our NCAA Fan Shop.

I get a lot of funny emails, a lot of Spam, and business email. Occasionally I receive helpful email. In this case, it shows tells me about how I can find a human:

“The IVR Cheat Sheet is a free service from Paul English of Kayak.com.

Here are the secret numbers and tips to bypass IVRs to get to a human. Do you know a new cheat? Tell me.

Finance phone steps to find a human
American Express 800-528-4800 0
ATT Universal 800-950-5114 ###
Bank of America 800-900-9000 1 loan; 2 account; 3 investing; 4 info; or 00 to human
Bank One 877-226-5663 0,0
Capital One Visa 800-867-0904 ignore prompts and invalid entry warnings; press #0 four times
Charles Schwab 800-435-9050 3 then 0
Chase 800-CHASE24 5 pause 1 4
CitiBank 800-374-9700 1 online support; 2 billpay; 3 non-online; 4 credit card; or 0 to human
Discover 800-347-2683 ****
E-Trade 800-387-2331 ####
Fidelity 800-544-6666 ignore prompt for social security number, just enter ###
MasterCard 800-MC-ASSIST 000 on each menu
MBNA 800-421-2110 00# when menu starts
Paypal 650 864-8000 cf http://paypalsucks.com/PayPalPhoneNumbers.shtml
Sovereign Bank 800-SOV-BANK 1 english; 1 personal; 3 then social#; passcode, #; then 0 (1-3x)
Sun Trust Banks 404-588-7815 Yes
US Bank 800-US BANKS 0000
Visa 800-847-2911 000 (ignore prompts saying that it’s an invalid entry) ”

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I got the email below from a co-worker. Should I be scared? Is my office going to turn to pandemonium? Is nothing sacred?

Tomorrow is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday: Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don’t care about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty; you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it? Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY! There are the rules you must follow:

* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turnss lapping the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed…other than going upside somebody’s head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
* If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE!

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Who doesn’t like an Oreo now and then. And to get these offeres to win a year’s supply from someone I have no clue about makes me wonder what is in that creme filled center.

At least they are CanSPAM complaint with a mailing address, and remove me feature.

But why the small type bait and switch? Don’t Tease me with Food, I want me some Cookies!
“Oreo’s Survey - Complimentary $50 Restaurant Gift Card or a one year supply of Oreo Cookies, Click Here”

OK - this is a different type of email than I’ve ever received. It was actually submitted through a contact form on our website which means this guy went to a lot of effort to send it to us. Could it be real?

“name: Clark McClelland, ScO
Comments: I am trying to reach Carl Pohad, owner. Please forward this to his staff. I am certain he will find interest. Thank you. Clark
Hello Carl:
I have a United States Flag (3 by 5 inches in size) that was taken to the moon and returned to me by my friend, Astronaut James Irwin, during the Apollo 15 mission to the lunar surface in 1971.
It is a rare, historic, cosmic item of art and beauty that will be a wonderful, unique display and conversation piece. An achievement of the Human Race!”

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