eROI Days Email Agency

It’s a fact. A beautiful fact.  I’m bald (it’s okay - I love being bald). It’s so unbelievably low-maintenance and I have grown to prefer the more streamline look I have now. In fact, friends, uncles, whoever I know even sparingly, who are showing clear signs of balding, my response to them is always, “Shave that shit.”  In fact, I’m thinking of starting a website – www.shavethatshit.com (don’t buy that domain, I may use it) – and showing unoptimized, balding horse-shoe hairstyles on them.  Then again, maybe not.  I got some spam that made it into my inbox untouched, which made me think that AlviArmani (see photo below) knew I was bald, but didn’t know me well enough to know that I would prefer a razor to hair treatment for men.  I liked the Before and After picture so much, I had to share it with you.

The skeptic in me says “I’ve never heard of this entity before,” “seems fishy,” “never heard of the award before,” “why did they send it to sales@ – a spam-related email.”

But the optimist in me thinks maybe there is 5% validity to this award.

Should I be a skeptic or think it’s real. Please comment below to tell me your thoughts.

This email glossary (that a co-worker sent me) is hilarious – take a read and comment below if you can add to this list:

“Tipping point
Point during a conversation by email where it becomes clear to both participants that they could have sorted things out days ago with a five-minute phone call.

Out of Office Reply
Device used by business people to avoid having to respond quickly to incoming email.

Thank you interval
Time spent wondering if you need to send a thank-you reply to a thank-you email.

Fistful
Measurement unit for spam. 10 spam emails is one fistful. Ten or more fistfuls is one sh*tload. So a sh*tload of spam is anything more than 100 spam emails.

Reply-all blindness
Disease characterized by an inability to distinguish between the “reply” and “reply all” buttons in an email client. Typical symptoms include acute embarrassment and complete loss of privacy.

Junk folder equation
The decision to review the contents of your junk folder is a function of two factors A and B. Where A is the potential value of finding useful mail inadvertently filtered into the spam folder. And B is the depressing prospect of wading through 500 ads for p*nis enlargers just to find an expired coupon for your local hardware store.

CC/BCC blindness
Disease causing the victim to put every address in their distribution list in the CC field of their email client, thus ensuring everyone gets a copy of both the message and the address list. Victims generally only suffer once from this affliction.

Disclaimer text
Long-winded piece of legalese commonly found at the bottom of corporate emails to indicate that the message “Hey John, how was your date last night?” should not be construed as a binding legal contract or a business solicitation. And unauthorized use, disclosure, copying or alteration of this question is forbidden on pain of something undefined (but possibly unpleasant) happening to you.

Can-Spam Act 2003
1. US law designed to restrict the sending of unsolicited commercial email
2. US law designed to allow the sending of unsolicited commercial email

Download uncertainty threshold
Point in time at which it is clear that the incoming email must include a large attachment, meaning either potential work, holiday snaps or another forlorn attempt to do something amusing with Photoshop.

The email paradox
The simultaneous feeling of despair and optimism when you check your email in the morning. Optimism at what interesting messages might arrive. Despair at the thought of finding work, complaints, several fistfuls (see above) of spam, another email from that client/customer/friend you’re trying to avoid…and yet more forlorn attempts to do something amusing with Photoshop.

Non-verbal clue
Situation where recipient is left wondering if the phrase “Die, you b*stard, die!” should be taken at face value or is simply another one of those unfortunate email misunderstandings.

Spam surveys
Statistics collected by anti-spam solution providers to give them an excuse to put out a press release once a quarter to tell us that there’s a lot of spam around (in case we hadn’t noticed.)”

In my last blog posting, I mentioned Microsoft’s deliveribility guy Brian Holdsworth but ran out of time before jotting down my notes about his talk, so here they are:

MS Outlook and Windows LiveMail (formerly Hotmail) represent 600 million people / users in the world. Microsoft expects this to climb to 1 billion in the next few years.

Big change in Outlook 2007: it automatically postmarks emails to email addresses NOT in your address book. It delays the send several minutes per email address not in your address book. This will significantly reduce the amount of spam generated by botnets and zombies that send email through unprotected PCs (which is responsible for 80% of the increase in spam in the past year).

Spammer Trends and Tactics:
Microsoft has brought 376 successful lawsuits against spammers in the past 3 years. Part of the lawsuit process requires the spammer to come into Microsoft’s office and explain why they spammed. Recently, a 17 year-old came into to talk to the Microsoft deliverability team – he started when he was 9 years old and was now sending 25 million emails per day and made $300 per day on affiliate revenue (which breaks down to roughly $1 per 100,000 emails – not great ROI, but pretty good when considering there are no costs other than his eventual fine and jail time).

Of the 4 billion emails per day that Hotmail processes, 90% is spam. Much of this is image spam, and spam generated from botnets and zombies.

Next version of Hotmail is Windows LiveMail which is very similar to Outlook.

An Unsubscribe link is built into every email in Windows LiveMail in the Return Header.

Microsoft Goals:
1. Reduce Spam in Inbox
2. Improve deliverability for legit senders:
a. volume based reputation
b. Sender ID + past reputation (Outlook postmark)
c. Unsubscribe built into Windows LiveMail

Last note is the phenomenon of communication barriers within Microsoft. The Outlook team makes major changes/shifts every 3 years, and for Outlook 2007, they are moving to a content rendering engine built in MS Word instead of the natural choice of Internet Explorer. Microsoft’s deliverability found out about this at the same time the general public saw the press release a couple weeks ago – doesn’t know why this decision was made by the Outlook team. Maybe the next ReturnPath event can address this topic in more detail…

Just read an article on the UK cracking down with new regulations in effect this year. My overall thought is that the industry should always stay ahead of regulations with more stringent best practices, but it’s good to see that other countries are taking email compliance seriously.

The article reads:
“UK puts new email regulation in effect
In an effort to cut down on spam and to weed out spamming companies, the UK has placed new regulations on email communications. At the start of the new year, the UK Companies Act Amendments of 2006 went into effect, with requirements similar to the US CAN-SPAM act.
by Kristina Knight

As with normal business correspondence, UK companies are now required to disclose the company name, where the company is registered, the registration number (if there is one) and the registered address in transactional email communications. For other commercial messages, such as marketing materials or newsletters, a valid postal address and the company name should be included in the correspondence.”

Read the rest of the article >>

YesMail, a reputable email marketer, got slapped with a big fine today. As email marketers, we need to learn how not to make these mistakes.

ComputerWorld reports:
“November 07, 2006 (IDG News Service) — Marketer Yesmail Inc. has agreed to pay a $50,717 civil penalty to settle Federal Trade Commission charges accusing it of sending unsolicited commercial e-mail after recipients asked it to stop.

The FTC alleged that Yesmail, doing business as @Once Corp., violated federal law by continuing to send unsolicited e-mail more than 10 business days after recipients asked that the e-mail stop.

In an ironic twist, Yesmail’s spam-filtering software filtered out some unsubscribe requests from recipients as spam, resulting in Yesmail failing to honor unsubscribe requests, the FTC said. Yesmail sent thousands of e-mail messages to recipients after they requested it stop, the FTC said when announcing the settlement yesterday.”

Read full article >>

We’re in the email world and SPAM is part of the discussion of everyday life. However, we never imagined that SPAM would become a popular ENERGY drink. Whoever thought SPAM would give you energy? Apparently, this Dutch company is energized by the success it has had with this drink. It gives a whole new meaning to SPAM which takes on a lemony, urine color and conjures up in my mind the taste of potable meat. Fascinating.

I came across a blog that was right up my alley – The Spam Obituaries! The blog starts with an explanation of itself: “Hi, I’m William Ridenhour. By day I train as a chef under Delia Smith. By night I write the Spam Obituaries.” The blog takes the names from spam e-mails, bring them to life and kill them off swiftly. Odd, but interesting. Check it out.

Oh, how I love intriguing SPAM. Crappy SPAM that accounts for 99.99% of the spam I get is no fun, but there is nothing better than intriguing SPAM.

Here’s how the email goes:
$100 Space Ad

Marketing is about to be taken to new heights…all the way to the edge of space.

Actually, it’s a research mission carrying student experiments. However, ads make it all possible.

“If it’s good enough for sports teams, it’s good enough for science teams,” proclaims John Powell, President of JP Aerospace.

These “ads at the edge of the world” are on a platform carried aloft by high altitude weather balloons. During the flight on board, cameras take pictures of the ads with the blackness of space and the curvature of the Earth in the background. In the past, weather balloons have conjured up images of UFOs; now, images of commerce are being created. After the balloons reach 100,000 feet, they are released, and the platform descends to Earth by parachute. The mission, called Away 27, is the eighty-seventh for JP Aerospace. JP Aerospace is an independent space program staffed by volunteers dedicated to bringing space travel to everyone.

More information and pictures available at www.jpaerospace.com.

(more…)

This might be one the the best emails sent to me in the past few days. We go to a lot of conferences each year, but if we could learn from the best email marketers in the world, we should all go. I mean TV, Radio, Web, Print and Word of Mouth Coverage has established the Nigerian’s as the world’s top email marketers.

The 3rd Annual Nigerian EMail Conference

Tag Line for the 2006 Conference:
“Write better emails. Make more moneys.”

Intro:
I am Mr. Laurent Mpeti Kabila, a senior assistant leader of the Revolutionary United Front of Sierra Leone.

I present to you an urgent and confidential request: I request your attendance at The 3rd Annual Nigerian EMail Conference. This is an excellent opportunity to meet your distinguished colleagues, learn new marketing techniques, and spend your hard-earned money. Attending this conference demands the highest trust, security and confidentiality between us.

Keynote Address:
Dr. Hamza Kalu’s adds some historical perspective in his keynote address: “From Postal Scams To Email Scams: We Have Come a Long Way Infant Child.”

Debate:
Attend a lively debate between Lady Mariam Abacha and Mr. Godwin Oyathelem. Topic: “The effectiveness of using all UPPERCASE characters.”

Practical Discussion:
Mallam Mahmud Abacah answers the question, “Are 10 million emails a day too many?”

Competition:
Other countries are now adapting our business. Is this a threat or an opportunity?

Tech Session:
Mrs. M Sese-Seko reveals valuable secrets in her session titled, “Those Pesky Email Headers”

Commerce:
Find out how banking systems throughout the world operate — with special emphasis on money transfers.

Linguistics:
Damn, spam, scam, sham. And more rhymes in the “sticks and stones” category.

Telecommunications:
Soliciting via cell phone text messaging: Can it work?

Accounting:
The taxman he’s a comin’: Keeping good and accurate records.

Open Discussion:
We will resume last year’s high-spirited discussion of unionization, including health benefits.

Workshop:
Grammatical errors: What’s the optimal number?

Statistics:
Dr. Kayode Naiyeju presents his ground-breaking research: “Analyzing response rates using analysis of variance: That pesky R-squared value,” as published in The Nigerian Journal of Applied Statistics.

Economics:
A round table discussion: Is email now Nigeria’s top export?

For Newcomers:
View an entertaining PowerPoint presentation that describes how to get started in this lucrative business, with no initial investment!

Hand-on Session:
Experts critique your emails, and offer valuable tips.

It really upsets me with the amount of fake or “phishing” emails that hit the Inbox each and every day. From ebay account notifications, fake money offers, help me save X, and of course credit card and banking scams. My biggest problem with these is the fact that soooo many people click through and listen to these emails. Please, if you get an email call the group that is sending it first. Make sure that it is valid.

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We look at ALOT of emails everyday. And we have relied on placing every mail filter in our inboxes to test just how client emails are getting through at every level. Sometimes these measures just don’t cut it with the volume of Spam we get. In an effort to add an extra level of Spam protection to our inbox (and brains) we looked for the right system to put in place to keep those that get through the spam traps and into the inbox. We are happy to release our latest product offering to the general public…. the SPAM Trap Protection System 8000.

I would reccomend that you get out and get one of these today if you are just fed up with blocking spam that seems to seep in no matter what you do. It might be the only way to live with it (as who wants to hit the delete key).

Best of luck in the War on Spam at your office and rest assured that we are taking every precaution needed on our end.

I never knew such innovation existed in the Porn Industry. What would we do without Porn Spam.

Jim – you are freaking me out. Your “from” line is Jim and email address is blatantly spam-like. You hooked me with a spam-like subject line “my dream come true” and waddya know, it’s SPAM with a beautiful twist. Jim is not a man – he’s a pretty girl. If you are going to spam me, don’t get me all gender confused.

“—–Original Message—–
From: Jim [mailto:ixyantt@shaw.ca]
Sent: Friday, January 27, 2006 9:28 AM
To: ryan
Subject: my dream come true

Do not ignore me please,
I found your email somewhere and now decided to write you.
I am coming to your place in few weeks and thought we
can meet each other. Let me know if you do not mind.
I am a nice pretty girl. Don’t reply to this email.
Email me direclty at nice@free4mail.info”