But the optimist in me thinks maybe there is 5% validity to this award.

Should I be a skeptic or think it’s real. Please comment below to tell me your thoughts.

“Tipping point
Point during a conversation by email where it becomes clear to both participants that they could have sorted things out days ago with a five-minute phone call.

Out of Office Reply
Device used by business people to avoid having to respond quickly to incoming email.

Thank you interval
Time spent wondering if you need to send a thank-you reply to a thank-you email.

Fistful
Measurement unit for spam. 10 spam emails is one fistful. Ten or more fistfuls is one sh*tload. So a sh*tload of spam is anything more than 100 spam emails.

Reply-all blindness
Disease characterized by an inability to distinguish between the “reply” and “reply all” buttons in an email client. Typical symptoms include acute embarrassment and complete loss of privacy.

Junk folder equation
The decision to review the contents of your junk folder is a function of two factors A and B. Where A is the potential value of finding useful mail inadvertently filtered into the spam folder. And B is the depressing prospect of wading through 500 ads for p*nis enlargers just to find an expired coupon for your local hardware store.

CC/BCC blindness
Disease causing the victim to put every address in their distribution list in the CC field of their email client, thus ensuring everyone gets a copy of both the message and the address list. Victims generally only suffer once from this affliction.

Disclaimer text
Long-winded piece of legalese commonly found at the bottom of corporate emails to indicate that the message “Hey John, how was your date last night?” should not be construed as a binding legal contract or a business solicitation. And unauthorized use, disclosure, copying or alteration of this question is forbidden on pain of something undefined (but possibly unpleasant) happening to you.

Can-Spam Act 2003
1. US law designed to restrict the sending of unsolicited commercial email
2. US law designed to allow the sending of unsolicited commercial email

Download uncertainty threshold
Point in time at which it is clear that the incoming email must include a large attachment, meaning either potential work, holiday snaps or another forlorn attempt to do something amusing with Photoshop.

The email paradox
The simultaneous feeling of despair and optimism when you check your email in the morning. Optimism at what interesting messages might arrive. Despair at the thought of finding work, complaints, several fistfuls (see above) of spam, another email from that client/customer/friend you’re trying to avoid…and yet more forlorn attempts to do something amusing with Photoshop.

Non-verbal clue
Situation where recipient is left wondering if the phrase “Die, you b*stard, die!” should be taken at face value or is simply another one of those unfortunate email misunderstandings.

Spam surveys
Statistics collected by anti-spam solution providers to give them an excuse to put out a press release once a quarter to tell us that there’s a lot of spam around (in case we hadn’t noticed.)”

MS Outlook and Windows LiveMail (formerly Hotmail) represent 600 million people / users in the world. Microsoft expects this to climb to 1 billion in the next few years.

Big change in Outlook 2007: it automatically postmarks emails to email addresses NOT in your address book. It delays the send several minutes per email address not in your address book. This will significantly reduce the amount of spam generated by botnets and zombies that send email through unprotected PCs (which is responsible for 80% of the increase in spam in the past year).

Spammer Trends and Tactics:
Microsoft has brought 376 successful lawsuits against spammers in the past 3 years. Part of the lawsuit process requires the spammer to come into Microsoft’s office and explain why they spammed. Recently, a 17 year-old came into to talk to the Microsoft deliverability team – he started when he was 9 years old and was now sending 25 million emails per day and made $300 per day on affiliate revenue (which breaks down to roughly $1 per 100,000 emails – not great ROI, but pretty good when considering there are no costs other than his eventual fine and jail time).

Of the 4 billion emails per day that Hotmail processes, 90% is spam. Much of this is image spam, and spam generated from botnets and zombies.

Next version of Hotmail is Windows LiveMail which is very similar to Outlook.

An Unsubscribe link is built into every email in Windows LiveMail in the Return Header.

Microsoft Goals:
1. Reduce Spam in Inbox
2. Improve deliverability for legit senders:
a. volume based reputation
b. Sender ID + past reputation (Outlook postmark)
c. Unsubscribe built into Windows LiveMail

Last note is the phenomenon of communication barriers within Microsoft. The Outlook team makes major changes/shifts every 3 years, and for Outlook 2007, they are moving to a content rendering engine built in MS Word instead of the natural choice of Internet Explorer. Microsoft’s deliverability found out about this at the same time the general public saw the press release a couple weeks ago – doesn’t know why this decision was made by the Outlook team. Maybe the next ReturnPath event can address this topic in more detail…

The article reads:
“UK puts new email regulation in effect
In an effort to cut down on spam and to weed out spamming companies, the UK has placed new regulations on email communications. At the start of the new year, the UK Companies Act Amendments of 2006 went into effect, with requirements similar to the US CAN-SPAM act.
by Kristina Knight

As with normal business correspondence, UK companies are now required to disclose the company name, where the company is registered, the registration number (if there is one) and the registered address in transactional email communications. For other commercial messages, such as marketing materials or newsletters, a valid postal address and the company name should be included in the correspondence.”

Read the rest of the article >>

ComputerWorld reports:
“November 07, 2006 (IDG News Service) — Marketer Yesmail Inc. has agreed to pay a $50,717 civil penalty to settle Federal Trade Commission charges accusing it of sending unsolicited commercial e-mail after recipients asked it to stop.

The FTC alleged that Yesmail, doing business as @Once Corp., violated federal law by continuing to send unsolicited e-mail more than 10 business days after recipients asked that the e-mail stop.

In an ironic twist, Yesmail’s spam-filtering software filtered out some unsubscribe requests from recipients as spam, resulting in Yesmail failing to honor unsubscribe requests, the FTC said. Yesmail sent thousands of e-mail messages to recipients after they requested it stop, the FTC said when announcing the settlement yesterday.”

Read full article >>

We’re in the email world and SPAM is part of the discussion of everyday life. However, we never imagined that SPAM would become a popular ENERGY drink. Whoever thought SPAM would give you energy? Apparently, this Dutch company is energized by the success it has had with this drink. It gives a whole new meaning to SPAM which takes on a lemony, urine color and conjures up in my mind the taste of potable meat. Fascinating.

Here’s how the email goes:
$100 Space Ad

Marketing is about to be taken to new heights…all the way to the edge of space.

Actually, it’s a research mission carrying student experiments. However, ads make it all possible.

“If it’s good enough for sports teams, it’s good enough for science teams,” proclaims John Powell, President of JP Aerospace.

These “ads at the edge of the world” are on a platform carried aloft by high altitude weather balloons. During the flight on board, cameras take pictures of the ads with the blackness of space and the curvature of the Earth in the background. In the past, weather balloons have conjured up images of UFOs; now, images of commerce are being created. After the balloons reach 100,000 feet, they are released, and the platform descends to Earth by parachute. The mission, called Away 27, is the eighty-seventh for JP Aerospace. JP Aerospace is an independent space program staffed by volunteers dedicated to bringing space travel to everyone.

More information and pictures available at www.jpaerospace.com.

On board will be over 1,000 individual student experiments. These student science projects are called PongSats®, for “ping pong ball satellite.” A PongSat is an experiment that fits inside of a ping pong ball. Students as young as six are running their own space programs. Experiments range from plant seeds to computers with sophisticated sensors. For several months, students from all over the country have been mailing their PongSats to JP Aerospace for this mission. Even the youngest of students can be space scientists, flying real missions to a place where few “real” scientists get to go. JP Aerospace has flown over 1800 PongSats involving thousands of students.

After landing, the PongSats are returned to the students. The students then inspect their experiments and study the results. PongSat is a completely free program for schools and individuals.

Marketing in space has been done, but it can cost millions of dollars and take years to accomplish. Now, for $100, even the local coffee shop can get dramatic marketing images.

“The images are more stunning than the Taco Bell® dog and a lot cheaper too,” says Powell.

Customers can use the images in their advertisements, corporate reports and web sites. Or for individuals, birthday greetings from the edge of space!

More information and pictures available at www.jpaerospace.com.

The 3rd Annual Nigerian EMail Conference

Tag Line for the 2006 Conference:
“Write better emails. Make more moneys.”

Intro:
I am Mr. Laurent Mpeti Kabila, a senior assistant leader of the Revolutionary United Front of Sierra Leone.

I present to you an urgent and confidential request: I request your attendance at The 3rd Annual Nigerian EMail Conference. This is an excellent opportunity to meet your distinguished colleagues, learn new marketing techniques, and spend your hard-earned money. Attending this conference demands the highest trust, security and confidentiality between us.

Keynote Address:
Dr. Hamza Kalu’s adds some historical perspective in his keynote address: “From Postal Scams To Email Scams: We Have Come a Long Way Infant Child.”

Debate:
Attend a lively debate between Lady Mariam Abacha and Mr. Godwin Oyathelem. Topic: “The effectiveness of using all UPPERCASE characters.”

Practical Discussion:
Mallam Mahmud Abacah answers the question, “Are 10 million emails a day too many?”

Competition:
Other countries are now adapting our business. Is this a threat or an opportunity?

Tech Session:
Mrs. M Sese-Seko reveals valuable secrets in her session titled, “Those Pesky Email Headers”

Commerce:
Find out how banking systems throughout the world operate — with special emphasis on money transfers.

Linguistics:
Damn, spam, scam, sham. And more rhymes in the “sticks and stones” category.

Telecommunications:
Soliciting via cell phone text messaging: Can it work?

Accounting:
The taxman he’s a comin’: Keeping good and accurate records.

Open Discussion:
We will resume last year’s high-spirited discussion of unionization, including health benefits.

Workshop:
Grammatical errors: What’s the optimal number?

Statistics:
Dr. Kayode Naiyeju presents his ground-breaking research: “Analyzing response rates using analysis of variance: That pesky R-squared value,” as published in The Nigerian Journal of Applied Statistics.

Economics:
A round table discussion: Is email now Nigeria’s top export?

For Newcomers:
View an entertaining PowerPoint presentation that describes how to get started in this lucrative business, with no initial investment!

Hand-on Session:
Experts critique your emails, and offer valuable tips.